I wrote a poem titled with your name because,
for God knows how long I have found myself sitting
just a few rows behind you in lecture halls admiring the curling of your left ear,
you would turn around and wink whenever the "coast was clear".
I kept every one of our conversations alive by blowing them
from ashes to small flames at the vulnerability of my memory
and even though you would be paying me complements about a new clean shave
it still felt like love in casual clothing.
That was almost winter and mid-autumn ago but
you still insist that I don’t tell my friends about us because you’re “not ready.”
I still had to lie to them and say I’d tried this new deodorant
because I had my favourite shirt stained in your cologne(d) sweat.
No one knows I know that you leave me text messages
that are accompanied by a number of blowing-kiss-emoticons and a heart beat.
No one else knows that you like to cuddle with your arm around my neck and
no one else knows I know that you speak about cartoon characters in your sleep because
it would be such a shame for anyone to know that you happen to text me messages
the same as those you send to your girlfriend,
and I lick them up because the vanilla ice cream melting between
every word is far too irresistible in my dry summers day life.
You would rather have me as a romantic secret than play
with my fingers before your friends like you do in front of my two teddy bears.
As much as my heart is stringed to some portion of yours you still find no
guilt in wearing me out when we are alone and aimlessly tossing me next to the
washing basket like a pair of old jeans that had strangely gotten themselves dirty when someone else is around.
God knows you want to put your head on my lap and have me caress your skin until you start snoring.
You want to stay up all night with me and have mine as your second or last goodnight of your evening
depending on whether your girl went to bed earlier because of an early class the next day.
You want to listen to my lame jokes and laugh, though for a few seconds your eyes would squint
like a child’s and the next day you’d pay me no attention at all.
Now as much as my presence might have made your closet the place to be
I need the memory of my lover without being haunted by any sense of guilt or a weaved head and boobs,
allow me to parade these streets with your invisible tag hanging from my chest and a smile.
I need my memory free of the doubts you think you have about us but with the times you’d kiss me
all the way to the back of my neck, behind my consciousness because you had to run (she'd called and asked to see you).
Do not make me feel contrasted with a female for I lack whatever that’s keeping her a vivid memory in your mind.
I love you so much it’s dug holes in my pockets but I would rather
love you from the back of the class or whenever I hear your laugh between your friend’s.
Now with this poem I refuse to be your help in your sexual endeavours any longer.
Regards, Your bearded and beautiful secret.